Trusting Yourself After Trauma: Leaving An Abusive Relationship.

Big Topic! And a very important one often explored in therapy.

After leaving an abusive relationship, there are so many questions, and often so much self blame. Survivors of abusive relationships often question themselves when trying to make sense of the abuse. Questions such as "How did I not see the red flags early in the relationship? Why did I stay? Why didn't I leave sooner? are common.

When we are trying to make sense of difficult life experiences, it is common to have lots of questions, and to look inward to try to make sense of the events that have happened to us. Reality is, finding yourself in an abusive relationship is never your fault. Abusive relationships rarely start out exhibiting harmful behaviours. Rather we often get swept up in the newness and fun of it all and hope for the best. When you are a good person with good morals and values you often assume the best in others too and are not necessarily looking for red flags (which is a wonderful part of who you are). The assumption is often a partner will feel and act in a similar way, until they don't.

In the beginning of the newness of a relationship, abusive individuals are on their "best behaviour", we call this the love bombing stage, and once the relationship is established, the love bombing behaviour starts to alternate with and eventually be replaced by, abusive behaviours.

This constant cycling, the highs and lows, can leave you feeling confused, exhausted, sad, anxious, angry, trying to make sense of what is going on, and trying many different approaches to try and "fix" your partners upset. Thoughts of "Maybe if I try and talk about this more, offer solutions, try and appease, calm, fix, understand more, change" they will revert back to being the wonderful person they were in those earlier months of dating. Negative self talk, self blame, and low self esteem are common experiences for victims in an abusive relationship, making it more difficult to leave. Thoughts of "something must be wrong with me, I am making them mad, I keep attracting the wrong people" "maybe I over reacted" "I can't make good decisions" "I should have done...fill in the blanks" are common ruminations.

It's not until you leave an abusive relationship and start to process what has happened, that you can start to reconnect with yourself again. This might be met with grief, anger, and loss of trust, towards yourself. The thought of dating again might terrify you and trusting your ability to make good choices to date safely can feel impossible and overwhelming. If you are experiencing these concerns, working with a therapist can be really important. Therapy can help you process and heal from the abuse, identify and reframe self blame and negative self talk. help you re-build your self esteem, talk to yourself with kindness, care and compassion, and help you rebuild trust in yourself to make good decisions. Therapy can help you get really clear about your values and needs in intimate relationships, help with assertive communication skills, and provide support and guidance for you if you do chose to start dating again.

A helpful technique I use in my work with my clients is to help you "get out of your head"- the anxious ruminating, and notice your emotional responses to situations. Our bodies can be really good at letting us know when a person or situation is not safe or "doesn't feel right." We often refer to this as our intuition. We can sometimes ignore these feelings when we get caught up in our cognitions, wanting to please others, and keep the peace.

Learning to notice and sit in the discomfort of strong emotional reactions and responses, and connect with these emotions as "data points"-information that can help guide you in your decision making, is really useful. Exploring questions such as "What am I feeling? Where in the body am I experiencing this emotion? What is this feeling/emotion trying to tell me? What action would I like to take in response to the information this emotion is sharing with me?" can help you get really clear and considered in the decisions you are making and why you ok are making them. This process helps you move away from people pleasing and keeping the peace, and rebuilds trust in yourself as being fully capable to make decisions that are best for your wellbeing.

When we get really clear about how we feel, learn to trust our cognitions, what we value, and what we need, we can move away from fear based thinking and reactive decision making, and engage in clear considered safe decision making aligned with our values and needs.

If you or someone you know have found this information helpful and would like to access counselling support, please email vanessastaubpsychology@gmail.com to make a booking.

Somatic Therapy in Nature